


Me Too

by Zombie_with_a_Chainsaw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Comforting Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 07:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombie_with_a_Chainsaw/pseuds/Zombie_with_a_Chainsaw
Summary: Cas was completely and utterly human, and it wasn’t sitting well with him. Dean knew he was depressed but he didn’t know what to do about it.





	

Dean liked to listen to music to wind down at the end of the night. He had his headphones on, secretly pleased with the convenience of the mp3 player he had told Sam he’d never use. He was wound pretty tight tonight. Sam was out on a solo hunt and that was worrisome enough, but Cas was worse. Cas was completely and utterly human, and it wasn’t sitting well with him. Dean knew he was depressed but he didn’t know what to do about it. He couldn’t stand seeing him like this. Every time he caught sight of Cas’s slumped shoulders and those dark circles under his eyes, he felt a hole burning through his chest.

He didn’t want to try to placate Cas with cliché bullshit lines. If he was gonna talk to him, then he had to be real about it - which is why he hadn’t talked to him yet. That, and the fact that he’d probably have to trap him in a locked room to get the guy to say more than three words to him.

After what felt like hours, he finally felt his eyelids growing heavier. He plucked the headphones from his ears and tucked the mp3 player into the drawer of his nightstand before curling up on his side. He’s right on the brink of sleep when he hears what sounds like a muffled sob from somewhere down the hall. He jerks up half way, waiting, unsure of what exactly he heard. A few silent minutes pass, and he lays back down on the bed. Just as he’s starting to relax, a broken wail echoes through the hall.

  
**********

  
His brain won’t stop. It just will not _fucking shut up_. Every mistake he’s ever made is swirling around in his mind. It’s like a whirlpool sucking him in deeper and deeper, drowning him in the realization of just what an awful, useless, utter fucking failure he really is. He can feel himself losing control, but he can’t stop it. He clamps his teeth down on the soft skin at the inside of his wrist, trying to ground himself in reality and willing himself to calm down. He feels like his mind is splitting into a million little pieces, each one razor edged and slicing through the inside of his head.

His hands are trembling now, and his cheeks are boiling. He feels the first searing tear trail down his face. He can’t breathe, he tries to fill his lungs but only lets out a heaving sob. The tears are streaming down his face now. He gasps and heaves trying desperately to draw air into his burning lungs. His ribs ache from the struggle to suck in what tiny breaths he can, and his entire body is shaking uncontrollably.

The noises he’s making are truly pathetic, blubbering and whimpering between the gasps and sobs. It feels like he’s dying, and maybe that would be okay. Part of him wishes he _would_ die, so that this will end. In the back of his mind he knows he needs to calm down, but he just can’t. He slides off the side of his bed and huddles in the corner, crouched into a tiny ball. Another wave of sobs takes over him and he can’t stop a high, broken wail from ripping it’s way out of him.

There’s a knock at his door. “Cas!?” He recognizes Dean’s voice but he can’t respond. There’s not enough air in his lungs to do anything but sob and gasp for more. “Cas! Are you okay?” Dean is pounding on the door now, but he’s physically incapable of any reaction to him. The door flings open and Dean rushes in to find Cas huddled in the corner, trying to hide his face.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean crouches down and wraps his arms around Cas’s shoulders, but it only makes him sob even harder. He pulls Cas to his feet and sits him on the edge of the bed before settling down beside him. Dean puts a warm hand on Cas’s back and starts rubbing slow, gentle circles there. His other hand cups Cas’s chin to tilt his head up. “Look at me, Cas.” He does so reluctantly. “Cas, you’re having an anxiety attack. I know you can’t just calm down, but I want you to listen to the sound of my voice and try to relax, okay?” Cas nods and drops his head.

Dean’s pressed tightly against his side now, with one hand still rubbing soft circles across his shoulders . He’s murmuring in Cas’s ear and the low rumble of his voice was finally soothing some of the tension from Cas’s aching body. It’s several minutes before his senses come back enough to actually listen to the soft flow of words coming from Deans mouth.

“You’re okay Castiel, you’re safe here, you’re home. We’re family and we care about you. Don’t worry about the past, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because nothing you do could ever push me away. I know we’ve both walked away before, but I will never do that again. I need you. I can’t imagine being separated from you ever again. Me and Sam both want you here. We’re not a duo any more, we’re a team- all three of us. You’re a Winchester now.”

Castiel’s inhales are still ragged, but he can breathe now. The violent shaking has dwindled to an occasional shudder, and the deluge of tears is now just a trickle. Dean’s warm palm feels so good swiping across his sore back.

“We’ve all made mistakes Cas, me and Sammy have fucked things up more times than I can count. But we’re trying to do the right thing. _You_ have always tried to do right. And you’ve done so much good. Especially for me. You’ve saved my life so many times, in so many ways. You’ve made my life better, gave me happiness instead of just trudging along. You mean more to me than you could possibly know.”

Cas has finally calmed down enough to meet Dean’s eyes. He glances up at him and then tucks his face into the hunter’s shoulder. “Thank you, Dean.” He whispers against Dean’s chest.

“You don’t need to thank me, Cas. I want to be here. I want to help you. Cas, I-” Dean raises his hand and brushes the pad of his thumb across Cas’s cheek. “I love you, Castiel.”

Cas lifts his head and regards Dean with a look of confusion.

“I love you Castiel, I’m _in love_ with you. I don’t know if you feel the same but it doesn’t matter. I will always be here. I will always love you.”

Cas leaned in and brushed their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss. Dean’s eyes lit up with hope. “Does that mean-”

“Yes, Dean. Me too.”

Even with his puffy red eyes and the tear stains on his cheeks, he was still the most adorable little dorky ex-angel Dean had ever laid eyes on.

“Well in that case, I think you should sleep in my bed from now on.” Cas raises an eyebrow and Dean clears his throat. “ Just so, ya know… so if this happens again you’re not alone.”

  
Cas manages a weak but sincere little smile. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this because of my own issues with anxiety. I actually took a journal entry I wrote describing my own anxiety attack, and tweaked it a bit to fit for Cas. When I have an attack I can't stand to be touched by any one other than my husband, and even then it has to be something very gentle. That's why I had Dean rub his back, because I imagine Dean having dealt with his own anxiety attacks and Sam's, so he recognizes what Cas needs. Cas letting him do it is part of what spurs on his confession, because Cas feels safe enough with him to be okay with it - so he wants to trust Cas too.


End file.
